Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I Bought The World's Ugliest Bathing Suit and will wear it in public.


I'm a Sandy. Before the latex catsuit. Yesterday, I bought two bathing suits. Our new house has a pool in the backyard, so I needed a new suit or two. The real reason I bought the suits was so that I would have something relatively decent looking to wear to Surf Pal on Sunday. We're taking the kids surfing with this fabulous organization run by my friends, journalists and Huffington Post bloggers Barbara Fischkin and her husband Jim Mulvaney.

I bought two Tankinis. Not quite a one piece (which will ride up my butt on the beach) and not a bikini, which will ratchet up my paranoia meter to deadly proportions.
Tankini #1: Fiasco. Pretty on the hanger. Black and white tropical pattern. Decent in the dressing room for the 18 seconds I actually stood in front of the mirror under the fluorescent "you may view the body" lights. I wore it into the pool yesterday. First problem: it has an underwire bra. I think they are steel cables ripped off the Brooklyn Bridge. The bottom reads, "size M." It fits fine. The top (unbeknownst to me until I looked at it last night) reads "B/C." The only thing "BC" about me is my diploma from Boston College. I was an A student and that letter has stuck, if you get my drift.
Once in the pool, I discovered that the bottom is not well lined. I have one word for you. ITALIAN. Got it? And the wires are digging into my sternum. Then Mark says, "Um, that bathing suit isn't, um, um," (you can hear his internal dialogue, "Do I tell her it makes her look like a short stack from IHOP and incur her wrath or not?") I got the point, the four points of those damn wires. Wires but no padding? I don't think so. My bathing suits need to resemble pillows at the Ritz, thank you very much.
Tankini #2: Looks like I'm stuck wearing this bathing suit on Sunday. It's so freaking ugly I can't believe I was desperate enough to buy it. First off, it's brown with neon colored paisley all over it. It looks like what you'd see on the floor if you ate a bag of bright M&M's and then puked. The bottom has a ruffled skirty thing, a la Cha Cha DeGregorio from Grease. The top is OK - it's kind of an 80's straight across the top puckery thing (hides the invisible) with two straps that go behind your neck.
I'm sure I'll have photos from Surf Pals. I'll share them. Or burn them.

16 comments:

Debora Dennis said...

Good luck! Your post reminds me why I swim in a t-shirt over my bathing suit. Thanks for the chuckle.

Petra said...

I am laughing so hard out here I am crying (and I so needed it.. it's been an interesting morning out here - WARNING if you're easily grossed out, DO NOT visit my blog today).

I so DO relate (not to the *A student* bit, but definitely to the *Italian* bit - eventhough I am NOT Italian). And I can SO picture Mark trying to tell you oh, so gently why that first tankini wasn't working..

I HATE shopping for bathing suits. I do, I do, I do. Although I have to say that I did good recently at Dick's Sporting Goods (that is really the name of the place, I am NOT making this up). First two piece I bought since N was born (and he's 5!).

Have a great time this weekend, I am sure you will look fabulous (as you always do).

Kathryn said...

This is hysterical! Is that what those lights are?! I knew there was another phrase for "less flattering, but "view the body" lights is IT!!

Demon Hunter said...

Aww, it can't be that bad, Kim. I bet you looked great. I've seen scary things at the beach---oh yes--I have...lol.

ORION said...

Hey I have to LIVE in bathing suits all year round and I just overflow...if you get MY drift lol!!!!

ORION said...

oh and yeah- I bet Kim looked great...I've seen her in person...

Jeanne said...

First of all, Kim, thanks for the laugh.. really needed it today.

Secondly, Petra, I know for a fact you aren't making up the "Dick's" thing because as I sit at the stop sign on the corner of my street, I can look through the distant trees and see a giant sign... "Dicks"... I often marvel at the thought that someone CHOSE that name knowing it would be on a 30x30 sign and brightly lit.

leila said...

Tankinis are not very flattering, they make you look old. The best styles for me (to hide the post-C-section pouch) are bikinis that have a foldover on top (Victoria's Secret has a very cute polka dot one on sale) or a top-and-skirt style.

Kim Stagliano said...

I AM old! LOL! :) Vickie Secret, huh? Off to check their site.... I'm short waisted - high waisted bottoms cut me in half.

Kelli Ann Davis said...

Ahhh....and how could we tell who the only guy was on these posts??

Obviously, someone who has *never* gone (cue in: deep,scary drawn out voice) BENEATH THE LIGHTS.

I'm with you Petra. I was laughing so hard (remember, I just read the other piece with the ugly pink thing that I have no fickin clue on what the hell it is) that people walking by on the street right outside my window were probably thinking I've gone looney inside!

Just too funny! StagWoman, you're on a roll. Don't stop. I need more.

Petra said...

Kelli Ann:

The ugly pink thing is a piggy bank that has seen much better times...

As in pretty much starved to death.

As in how most of our bank accounts look (and our 401(k)s and the cash values of our life insurance policies, and our mutual funds.. need I go on?)


And looney is good. Sanity is so overrated (says the woman who played highway tag with a guy in a red Corvette earlier today... GRIN)

Kelli Ann Davis said...

Highway tag? Guess that's in the same catagory as cowboy boots?

No?

Kim in NYC said...

4 words of advice for future swimwear purchases "Lands End Online Outlet" - tankinis, lined, not so spendy! I have no reason on this earth to wear swimwear unless my goal is to alarm small children and is it really worth a fortune that suits cost to do that? no. (despite your claims to the contrary, and unlike me, you probably look fab in whatever suit you wear!) I discovered the gems at lands end a few seasons ago. Unfortunately for society at large (and actually the state of CT this weekend, sorry Kim) I have to don a suit once in awhile and this is my main source.

Kim Stagliano said...

Mark has informed me I look like a "Tootsie Roll" in this Esther Williams meets Carmen Miranda fiasco... I'm doomed. My old Lands End one piece is calling me!

Kelli Ann Davis said...

Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark (shaking head in disbelief as I say that):

Rule Number One: Kim looks *FAB* 24/7/365 x 80 -- Always. Never, ever forget that fact -- even when she looks like a tootsie roll.

Rule Number Two: This little gem will remind you why Rule Number One is always in effect: http://www.toilette-humor.com/the-man-song.html

(Kim, can you post a picture of yourself in the suit? I want to see what a non-edible *tootsie roll* looks like)

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