Wednesday, October 04, 2006

The Sh*t hits the fan, er, floor. (If it's mealtime please read this later.)

Those of you who know me well, know that my life often revolves around icky, poopy incidents. My book actually opens with a crazy, chaotic poop scene that I plucked out of my own unusual version of motherhood.

Today, I was peacefully watching the Republican party tap dance faster than Mr. Bojangles on crack on CNN when my sweet, youngest child sidled up to me. "SNIFF." OH NO. She was dripping wet and smelled like the 10 foot perimeter that surrounds every porta-potty in America. LIKE CRAP.

I grabbed her and raced her into the bathroom. Sure enough. My middle love duck had used the commode and sauntered out of the bathroom sans flushing or closing the lid. And teeny girl moved in for the kill. I really do need to explain to her that poop is ALREADY DEAD! She went for a toilet dive and came up a winner. All over the floor. Great googly moogly poogly!

I had JUST scrubbed the three bathrooms in the house this morning. I stripped Miss Poopasaurus Rex and plopped her into the tub. Then I mopped and cleaned and wiped and flushed and fished and returned the poopy mess to its rightful home, the TOILET.

Why do I write? It's cheaper than therapy, more legal than pot and if I actually TOLD anyone my stories no one would believe me. So I might as well call them "fiction" and try to make some money. After all, someone has to pay for all that Lysol.

Now where's my beer?

9 comments:

stay_c said...

I love stories about poop as only another mother in the midst of potty training can. We have a very reliable 3yo now who hasn't had an accident in several weeks.

Kim Stagliano said...

Congratulations! Dry is good. In the autism world, potty training can be a decades long endeavor. That's a LOT of Pull Ups, trust me.

KS

stay_c said...

One of my local crit group members is the father of an autistic boy. He has a piece that will be published in Cup of Comfort. I forget the title, though...not too good at marketing for my friends.

Sarge said...

I've been dealing with lot of poop lately myself. As Yo Eddy (my former mountain bike partner and canine best friend of 13 years) gets older she has begun shi8ting in the house. I will not venture to guess what she is trying to tell me.

Water amplifies our connection to the spiritual world. Anybody out there see Minority Report with Tom Cruise. The Precogs floated in water or how about Masur Emoto and his photography of water molecules. Your daughter is probably one of the most spiritually connected little girls on the planet. Perhaps she is trying to tell you that there is a lot of spiritual c*ap going on right now with the planet.

My advise is to tell her you already know and want to focus your time on selling your book not cleaning sh*t. The former will cause elightenment and the latter will only bring forth more funky smelling stuff.

In any case, good luck and thanks for introducing me to blogs.

Sargent L. Goodchild, Jr.
Exec. Director
Active Healing, Inc.
www.activehealing.org

Trish Ryan said...

Okay - I know you wrote a fabulous novel, but will you PLEASE write a non-fiction collection of this stuff? Girl, you are FUNNY! Honestly, if you query an agent for a motherhood-autism memoir and use the line about looking for a way to pay for all that Lysol...

Just consider it; that's all I ask :)

Kim Stagliano said...

I'm happy to see familiar and new names here! Welcome all. Trish, you think I could be the Erma Bombeck on autism? LOL.

Sarge is one of the best guys on the planet (not to mention he looks a lot like a certain hunky movie star) and he works with kids with autism every day.

K

Swishy said...

I second Trish ... that is hilarious!! Thank goodness you can keep your sense of humor--I guess when faced with poop all over the place, you have no choice ;)

Laura said...

Yes, poop connects all of us autism parents! I'd prefer something less smelly, but we get what we get. My son had been pretty good a for a while (knock on wood). The last thing he did was leave a lovely turd in MY toilet for me to ooh and aah over. Yeah, sweetie, I know you don't wipe yourself yet, but at least flush, OK? Can't wait to start potty training the 2 y.o. Scratch that, I definitely can wait. I loathe potty training.

Kim Stagliano said...

Welcome, Laura. Toilet training is truly our Water-Loo, no pun and all puns intended.

Had I known I'd have married a man who worked for Proctor and Gamble to get free Pampers!

Come back, won't you?

KS