Wednesday, May 02, 2007

How about you? I've written my own question (and answer) in a hopeless effort to fill the void.
Dear Miss Snark:
My fiction novel is 194,354 words and every third sentence rhymes. I'm not sure if I should print it in Wingdings or Verdana to make my query stand out to agents. And do you think agents prefer metallic glitter or paper confetti in the envelope?This matters because my book takes place at Mardi Gras in 1973 and the glitter (or confetti, I defer to your choice) will immediately connote the party atmosphere of my book. Well, until they get to the second chapter where my heroine falls down in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly and scrapes her knees so badly that her control top L'Eggs get all ripped up forcing her to hurredly drive home to change, thus missing a chance encounter with a local TV personality who is at the Pig-Wig (shorthand for the store) to promote a new deep fried pie on a stick made by the heroines arch-rival and the bane of the PTA on which the spring fling committee the heroine sits. So, glitter or paper? Thank you. Sincerely yours, Adeline.
Dear Addled:
I suggest your heroine sits on the pie on a stick.
OK - your turn.


Manic Mom said...

How do you come up with this classicly beautiful shit?!?!!?

(And that's a compliment, btw.)

kimtheblogowner said...

Wow, Manic. I know you know your shit. I am flattered. Please write one. I need my Snark-fix. So, what, paper or glitter?

Milehimama said...

Dear Addled,
Confetti is so last year. Everyone knows the way to get noticed in 2007 is to use a Bedazzler to dot your i's.
Glitteringly yours,
Miss Snark

querulousquerier said...

My Bedazzler is in the shop! Can I use my Buttoneer????

Holly Kennedy said...

Oooh, Kim, I love this! You're hilarious.

If your novel takes place in Mardi Gras, pass on the paper issues (no glitter/confetti). Do something original instead, like including a 10 foot long string of multi-colored beads for Miss Snark to lovingly chew on as she tears apart your overly long but brilliant book.

Or why not push the enevelope even more and include the foot from a mannequin -- you know, hoping to 'get your foot in the door' so to speak!

BTW, the above re: the mannequin foot actually happened! An agent I know in LA told me a string of horror stories about writers trying to get her attention with their queries. One sent hers in invisible ink and included a bottle of whatever was required to make the words pop off the page. Another sent 4 tickets to a broadway show. Yet another sent two 1st class tickets to Paris for a weekend. Amazing, huh?

Kim Stagliano said...

Geez, tickets to Paris? I must become and agent fast! My 40th bday gift is an IOU to Paris. Sigh. Kinda hard to jet off thousands of miles with three autie girls at home. I'm hoping Bev Katz Rosenbaum's "I Was A Teenage Popsicle's" premise of cryogenics comes true. Chill out girls, Mom and Dad will be back in two weeks Au revoir! By the wam Bev edited my book and helped me get that final "CALL" from Eric. I love her!

Trish Ryan said...

Heee - Kim, you are hysterical.

Dear Addled,
Wingdings and glitter. But unless there's gin in that pie and a poddle at the Pig Wig, I ain't gonna read it.
Miss Snark

AhvaRahn said...

Dear Adeline,
Try flashing for beads
(and how's this for a third line rhyme?)

Milehimama said...

If you need a snarky fix, BTW, try this site:

They are actual letters aspiring screenwriters have written to agents, trying to pitch their movie.

No wonder so many movies stink!

horrifiedblogownerwinkwink said...

Filthy, filthy Irish mind. Penance! Go clean a toilet. You know, that round thing you miss every morning? Mrs. A will point you toward the Scrubbing Bubbles I'm sure.

Michelle O'Neil said...

I think glitter. Because it is so hard to get rid of.

For years, everytime the agent sees a little glint in the carpet, she will think of you.

Can't wait to read this juicy book. Mardi Gras, Pig-Wig (you're so hip) and local TV?!

You have me chomping at the bit.

ORION said...

ha ha ha and kim is just as funny in person at breakfast...

Therese said...

Dear Addled,

Why do anything half-way? Use both. And do be sure it's in a legal-size envelope--better yet, a FedEx 2'x2'x2' box, receipient's signature-required.