Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Does "OKU" mean good in Japanese?

I gotta ask. Got a catalog in the mail today. I shop online and get a lot of catalogs, since dragging my kids to the mall often leads to escalating blood pressure for all concerned. Along with my two rejections, I got a catalog today called "Catalog Favorites." A hodge podge of items from various catalogs, thus the catchy name. Average looking stuff, a lot of junk.

I'm turning pages loaded acrylic toilet seats with embedded sea shells (in case you want to shit the oyster bed), T-shirts decorated with bon mots such as "Nobody listens to me until I fart" and a delightful soap and bath towel set where half is white and says "FACE" and the other half is brown and says "BUTT." The perfect gift for your buttfaced brother in law, yes?

None of this concerns me in the least. And then I turned to page 25. And there, on the lower right hand corner is a vibrator. Yes, a vibrator. Oh sure they call it a "massager" but we've all seen the Sex and the City episode where Samantha returns her "neck massager" to Sharper Image. It's a vibrator people. Called "The Fabulous Fukuoku." Which I read as "fuk-u-oku" leading me to my question, "does Oku mean good in Japanese? It's a Johnson shaped tip that sits on your finger. Well, actually its three of them, with varying stimulation tips. If only men were so versatile! "This go anywhere massager arrives in its own zippered carrying pouch." Handy! But will it get past security at the airport?

I plunged deeper into the catalog. Plage 46? Another vibrator! Called "The Liberte!" Well, Merci Beaucoup! A whole new way to get doinked by the French! Copy reads: "Designed by women, for women." 'Cause our necks are shaped different from men? And then on page 47? A KEGEL exerciser with a photograph that shows enough skin to terrify me.

From that point on, all the Kokopelli necklaces in the world couldn't make me feel safe opening that catalog again. I couldn't even enjoy the sparkly red, sequined baseball cap or the Bibleopoly game.

That's it. I'm calling them to get off their mailing list. Hmmm, now where's my credit card?



Stacy said...

Can't say I get strange catalogs in the mail. I do get a lot of subscription offers for religious magazines, though. Every few months, Christian Century sends me a clergy discount offer. I haven't a clue what mailing list has me listed as being ordained, or how the heck I get off it.

It's a bit ridiculous, I'll admit, for a woman of almost 28 not to be ordained in this day and age. I really ought to put it on my to-do-before-30 list along with skydiving and world domination.

Kim Stagliano said...

I'm ordering you a Bibleopoly IMMEDIATELY Stacy. Gotta love those "Get out of hell free" passes. So handy!


Trish Ryan said...

Japanese technology & Bibleopoly... like a Christmas dream gone terribly, terribly wrong!

And yes, Stacy - what HAVE you been doing with your time??? :)

Anonymous said...

for what it's worth, the Liberte is very, very overrated...if you know what I mean...

Harvey Moskowitz said...

I think this dovetails nicely with our discussion of autism and vibrators: I was walking down Main Street, past a certain men's barbershop (I won't mention the name because I don't want to see 'Lil Kim get hauled away in cold, steel handcuffs [insert your own joke here]). Anyway, the owner was standing in the empty barbershop, using a trimmer on his nose hair.

Kim Stagliano said...

Dr. M, my love, was the nosehair trimmer shaped like a finger? Page 28 -- there is it! I get a frisson of delight knowing we're on similar mailing lists. And I'm sending you and Mrs. Moskowitz a copy of Bibleopoly, old testament of course, as my gift to you. Keep away from the laughing gas in your office!