Monday, December 11, 2006

Does "OKU" mean good in Japanese?*

I gotta ask. Got a catalog in the mail today. I shop online and get a lot of catalogs, since dragging my kids to the mall often leads to escalating blood pressure for all concerned. Along with my two rejections, I got a catalog today called "Catalog Favorites."

A hodge podge of items from various catalogs, thus the catchy name. Average looking stuff, a lot of junk. I'm turning pages loaded acrylic toilet seats with embedded sea shells (in case you want to shit the oyster bed), T-shirts decorated with bon mots such as "Nobody listens to me until I fart" and a delightful soap and bath towel set where half is white and says "FACE" and the other half is brown and says "BUTT." The perfect gift for your buttfaced brother in law, yes?

None of this concerns me in the least. And then I turned to page 25. And there, on the lower right hand corner is a vibrator. Yes, a vibrator. Oh sure they call it a "massager" but we've all seen the Sex and the City episode where Samantha returns her "neck massager" to Sharper Image. It's a vibrator people. Called "The Fabulous Fukuoku." Which I read as "fuk-u-oku" leading me to my question, "Does Oku mean good in Japanese? It's a Johnson shaped tip that sits on your finger. Well, actually its three of them, with varying stimulation tips. If only men were so versatile! "This go anywhere massager arrives in its own zippered carrying pouch." Handy! But will it get past security at the airport?

I plunged deeper into the catalog. Plage 46? Another vibrator! Called "The Liberte!" Well, Merci Beaucoup! A whole new way to get doinked by the French! Copy reads: "Designed by women, for women." 'Cause our necks are shaped different from men? And then on page 47? A KEGEL exerciser with a photograph that shows enough skin to terrify me.

From that point on, all the Kokopelli necklaces in the world couldn't make me feel safe opening that catalog again. I couldn't even enjoy the sparkly red, sequined baseball cap or the Bibleopoly game.That's it. I'm calling them to get off their mailing list. Hmmm, now where's my credit card?*

*reposted upon request

OH DEAR GOD. I, ahem, did some research on the Fukuoku to learn its provenance and found this horror: It's the Fukuoku glove! I am a writer and research is important, especially as romantica grows as a category. I don't write romantica or erotica, but can't hurt to have the info, right? And don't you know it's at a store in Cleveland that used to advertise like crazy with the owner, a lovely woman, doing all the ads. It looks like a Freddy Krueger prop in a porn flick. Thick black plastic fingers! MUST WASH EYES OUT!!! I can't even type this in full size. Ewwwww!

"This truly revolutionary glove will change the way you experience massage. (Major creepy alert!) Each fingertip has a vibrating panel that emits 9,000 vibrations per minute at full speed. (Note to user, call dentist to repair your mouthful of chipped teeth on Monday morning.)

The entire glove is waterproof and completely immersible! (in case you want to drown yourself while using the glove??) The battery compartment is located in a pouch at the base of the glove. Hand-washable with soap and water, the Fukuoku Glove can be used with your favorite massage oil or gel. Please choose left or right hand. (What, no ambidextrous for the ambi-tious?) Requires 3 AAA batteries, which are included! (Well, can't say they are stingy.)


ORION said...

Now you DO have to come over and clean off my keyboard.
It's like 7th grade lunch time when milk spewed out my nose!
You are hilarious!

Kim Stagliano said...

No, no -- it's the damn catalogs. Honest to God, that thing was in a regular old, garden variety, here's where Grandma buys her eyeglass chains frumpy catalog! It's overstocks, I get it. But Lordy be what a howl to see "personal massagers": being sold next to Poodle pillows and Hanukkah coffee cups!

LadyBronco said...



Which catalog was that again?

Anonymous said...

I can't decide which hand to use for this...