Tuesday, November 14, 2006

More catalog gems.

I love catalog shopping. I usually order online - but I take great joy in reading the bazillion catalogs that hit my mailbox every day, especially now that the holidays are upon us.

I'm pleased to report that the "FUK-U-OKO" finger shaped, travel sized "neck massager" with multiple "tips" is still in stock in more than one catalog. I've yet to hear from any Japanese blogger whether "oku" means "good" in their native tongue. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

So, today's lovely items for your perusal include:

1) "Authentic Redhead" t-shirt. Panties might convince me, a T-shirt? Not so much.

2) A needlepoint pillow that reads "50 years together." I'm thinking a brick would be a better medium for that message. I'll ask my Mom.

3) The "Forest Spirit" skirt, made of tiers of woodsy colored scraps of material that make you look like a compost heap. Available in size 18, in which case you will resemble a giant redwood. Be careful, if you fall while wearing this skirt no one might hear you.

4) Damn you and your technology! How about an old fashioned, giant telephone receiver that sticks onto your cell phone? If they can figure out a way to make it vibrate, I might be interested.

5) A laser pointer that beams a mouse shape so that you can torment your cat by singing "Three blind Mice and One Blind Cat."

6) Oooh, sexy! A shimmery, dangly anklet "as glamorous as any necklace" (that you ordered at 2:00am on Home Shopping Network.) AND it comes with a three inch "extender" so I can wear it around my waist, while Betty Sue can fit it onto her cankle. Excellent!

7) A sweatshirt that I actually like a lot: "Be careful or I'll put you in my novel." Hmmmmmm.

8 comments:

Sarge said...

Kim, reading your blog is like walking around with bologna in my shoes. I just feel funny. Thanks for the laugh.

Sarge
www.activehealing.org

Trish Ryan said...

"if you fall in this skirt no one will hear you."

Hysterical. That MUST go in a novel.

Kim Stagliano said...

Oh Sarge, many dirty thoughts race through my mind regarding bologna... you may recall that you were rated the best looking man at the ASA conference in RI?

Alas, we are each happily married and in the hope that one day, we may BOTH qualify for the 50 year pillow, I shall hold my tongue.

K

Laura said...

All hilarious! I, too, love looking at catalogs, especially during the holiday shopping season. I'll have to find some Authentic Redhead panties for my Mom. Although I really don't know if she's still...nevermind. That's just puts the "F'ed Up" back in Freudian. Minus the P.

The pillow -- my grandmother used to make needlepoint fabric covered bricks for use as doorstops. Needlepoint that on a brick and you could have your own work at home business! Doorstops, or other uses for your bricks. If you used a microfiber material, it would be good for soaking up blood, as well. If you don't jump on it, I will!

Kim Stagliano said...

Needlepoint brick doorstops? Oh my..... I'm sending you thread a needle and a brick, send me $50 for the kit please.

Michael Patrick Leahy said...

Kim,

I liked the T-shirt about putting someone in your novel.

Since mine is set in antebellum New Orleans and the Civil War, though, I can't make that threat !

Kim Stagliano said...

Oh, Michael, that's the joy of writing fiction! You can do any darn thing you want. OK, so you can't put your brother in the book wearing his i-pod, but you COULD make him toil in some swamp for slaves wages! Or make your sister wear hoop skirts and sweat like a pig for an entire chapter. Have at it man! And welcome.

KS

Anonymous said...

You can always give someone a bad case of VD in your novel. Works like a trick.