Aunt Bea the New Catalog Is Here!
I'm an online/catalog shopper. Toting 3 kids with autism to stores often leads to profound "What the hell was I thinking daring to leave the house?" So it's catalogs to the rescue and I'm on tons of lists. Today's gem? Casual Living.
Casual Living plans to alleviate the burden of holiday shopping by enticing me with products guaranteed to make my family and friends blanche with delight and utter "Oh, Kim. You shouldn't have."
1) Holiday theme, tropical flamingo floor mats for your car - with a Christmas wreath around the bird's neck. Uh, CL? The six ladies who might possibly buy these live in an assisted living home in Miami . And they sold their Buick Park Avenues two years ago (Sadie's was a Lincoln, her Harold always did very well you know.)
2) Chewgars. Cigar shaped dog toys complete with authentic cigar box so your dog can match that cheesey wall print of the dogs playing poker that you have hanging in your "rumpus" room.
3) A t-shirt that reads: "What happens in the garage stays in the garage. Especially when you leave your car running for an hour while you sit in the front seat reorganizing the 8 track tapes you keep in that Hush Puppies shoebox.
4) One piece chopsticks made like clothes pins so that you can wow your friends at the Chinese Buffet on Route 1 in Saugus, MA. "Look Angie! I'm holding a wahn tahn!" (Pass the Mai Tai please.)
5) A pink or turquoise gen-yoo-ine leather Passport holder for when you finally decide to take that trip to New York.
6) A metal purse holder that attaches to a table, holding your handbag just inches from you, since the floor is simply too far away. How about a few sit ups Betty?
7) Scuffy slippers that have mops on the bottom so that you can dust the floor as you shuffle into the kitchen for your Ovaltine at night.
8) A candle set in the shape of a wine bottle, grapes and cheese. So now when you cut the cheese you can also light it on fire. Sublime.
Merry Christmas. Now get shopping.