Sunday, December 16, 2007

Aunt Bea the New Catalog Is Here!

I'm an online/catalog shopper. Toting 3 kids with autism to stores often leads to profound "What the hell was I thinking daring to leave the house?" So it's catalogs to the rescue and I'm on tons of lists. Today's gem? Casual Living.

Casual Living plans to alleviate the burden of holiday shopping by enticing me with products guaranteed to make my family and friends blanche with delight and utter "Oh, Kim. You shouldn't have."

1) Holiday theme, tropical flamingo floor mats for your car - with a Christmas wreath around the bird's neck. Uh, CL? The six ladies who might possibly buy these live in an assisted living home in Miami . And they sold their Buick Park Avenues two years ago (Sadie's was a Lincoln, her Harold always did very well you know.)

2) Chewgars. Cigar shaped dog toys complete with authentic cigar box so your dog can match that cheesey wall print of the dogs playing poker that you have hanging in your "rumpus" room.

3) A t-shirt that reads: "What happens in the garage stays in the garage. Especially when you leave your car running for an hour while you sit in the front seat reorganizing the 8 track tapes you keep in that Hush Puppies shoebox.

4) One piece chopsticks made like clothes pins so that you can wow your friends at the Chinese Buffet on Route 1 in Saugus, MA. "Look Angie! I'm holding a wahn tahn!" (Pass the Mai Tai please.)

5) A pink or turquoise gen-yoo-ine leather Passport holder for when you finally decide to take that trip to New York.

6) A metal purse holder that attaches to a table, holding your handbag just inches from you, since the floor is simply too far away. How about a few sit ups Betty?

7) Scuffy slippers that have mops on the bottom so that you can dust the floor as you shuffle into the kitchen for your Ovaltine at night.

8) A candle set in the shape of a wine bottle, grapes and cheese. So now when you cut the cheese you can also light it on fire. Sublime.

Merry Christmas. Now get shopping.



Laura said...

I want nearly all of those things! Casual Living you say? I hope it arrives in my mailbox today!

Stargazer said...

Dear Kim,

Nothing for Christmas from THAT catalogue, thank you. I believe that if we all pooled our unwanted catalogues together that we could solve the energy crisis by burning them in clean burning facilities around the country. Just give me my Vermont Country Store wish book and I'm all set!

Kim Stagliano said...

Welcome Stargazer! (I think this is my big sister, which is either very cool and high tech or totally pathetic fanily communication!)


Swishy said...

I could use those slippers!

Trish Ryan said...

"Now when you cut the cheese you can also light it on fire"

priceless! For that friend who has everything...

And I, too want those slippers.

Sarge said...

In New Hampshire, pink flamingo's outside your home means that you and your spouse are swingers or so I have been told. I think that the flamingo floor mats and the "What Happens in the Garage Stays in the Garage" T-Shirts should come as a package deal. If the garage door is rocking, don't come knocking. The parties in those retirement communities in Florida must be out of control.

Kim Stagliano said...

Sarge, that explains the LIVE FREE on the NH license plates! Not so sure about the OR DIE part....

We had a swingers club in our old neighborhood in a super conservative town in Ohio in the mid 1990's. Eeew.

Thanks for stopping by!


(P)S My word ver is "himbo" coincidence? I think not.

Harvey Moskowitz said...

Swinging in Ohio? Surely, you must be talking about the bygone music of the '40s, no?

Anonymous said...

Joe Finan, is that YOU?

Harvey Moskowitz said...

Oh my -- you're saying Kim was in a swinger's group with Joe Finan? Madon' that would explain so much.

Kim Stagliano said...

I'm sorry, this is CT EMS, Kim passed out in horror. When she comes to we will alert you. In the meantime, I'll just cop quick feel. She'll never know and I guess she's that kind of gal.

feel feel feel feel

Well, that was disappointing.....