Thursday, October 29, 2009

Who me?

A friend sent me this letter the other day. It seems that the tone, tenor and general insanity of this letter writer reminded my friend of someone.... I'm shocked, I tell you. I did not write this letter. I do now wonder if I have a long lost sister. Read it and have a good laugh.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for
most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in
a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending

And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . ..


Tanya said...

That just makes me laugh!

Kim Rossi Stagliano said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kathy said...

OMG, yes, Kim, that is definitely your twin ... I love this line:

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is justcrawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants

The whole letter was great ... I'm stealing it for my fb page ...

Jules Boise said...

I would swear it was your letter !
Thanks for the LOL : )

Bella Stander said...

Thanks, Kim, for my first big laugh of the day--and it's almost 9pm. I'm going to link to this too.

Bella Stander said...

On 2nd thought...Though I appreciated the laugh, the only link I'll post is to Snopes:

Penny said...

Oh thank you Kim for posting this, it made my morning!

Cheryl Kauffman said...

That sounds so like you. Thanks for making my morning happier.